Things I enjoy at Christmas...

1. Little Debbie Christmas Tree Cakes: they are so delightful and never changing...it is a dependable go-to cake for this time of year.

2. Christmas Cartoons: Charlie Brown Christmas, The Grinch, Rudolph the Red nosed raindeer, and Frosty the Snowman... how can you go wrong.

"And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, 'Fear not: for behold, I bring unto you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the City of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.' And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.'"Linus

3. Christmas Songs: This Christmas, Rudolph, All I want for Christmas is you, and Santa Baby. always find myself singing and dancing to them no matter how many times I hear them.

4. Christmas Movies: Just Friends, Christmas Vacation, A Christmas Story, and Home Alone. It warms my heart to watch these movies with loved ones and recite the lines before they even come on.

Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.

5. Christmas Lights: you could have the shittiest looking, run down house, but put some Christmas lights on that bad boy and it can transform into the taj mahal

6. Christmas Trees: where there is a Christmas Tree there are presents and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

7. Jesus: he is the reason for this season.

Dear Lord Baby Jesus, I want to thank you for this wonderful meal, my two beautiful son's, Walker and Texas Ranger, and my Red-Hot Smokin' Wife, Carley

8. Friends visiting for the Holidays: what more can you say about this one.

these are just some things I enjoy about this Holiday...I hope everyone has a great Christmas!

Most Hilarious email EVER

Hi I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not to busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon. This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my phone number. Thanks Shan. From: David Thorne Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.26am To: Shannon Walkley Subject: Re: Poster Dear Shannon, That is shocking news. Luckily I was sitting down when I read your email and not half way up a ladder or tree. How are you holding up? I am surprised you managed to attend work at all what with thinking about Missy out there cold, frightened and alone... possibly lying on the side of the road, her back legs squashed by a vehicle, calling out "Shannon, where are you?" Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy. Regards, David. From: Shannon Walkley Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.37am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Poster yeah ok thanks. I know you dont like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to leave at 1pm today. From: David Thorne Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.17am To: Shannon Walkley Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster Dear Shannon, I never said I don't like cats. Once, having been invited to a party, I went clothes shopping beforehand and bought a pair of expensive G-Star boots. They were two sizes too small but I wanted them so badly I figured I could just wear them without socks and cut my toenails very short. As the party was only a few blocks from my place, I decided to walk. After the first block, I lost all feeling in my feet. Arriving at the party, I stumbled into a guy named Steven, spilling Malibu & coke onto his white Wham 'Choose Life' t-shirt, and he punched me. An hour or so after the incident, Steven sat down in a chair already occupied by a cat. The surprised cat clawed and snarled causing Steven to leap out of the chair, slip on a rug and strike his forehead onto the corner of a speaker; resulting in a two inch open gash. In its shock, the cat also defecated, leaving Steven with a wet brown stain down the back of his beige cargo pants. I liked that cat. Attached poster as requested. Regards, David. From: Shannon Walkley Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.24am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster yeah thats not what I was looking for at all. it looks like a movie and how come the photo of Missy is so small? From: David Thorne Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.28am To: Shannon Walkley Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster Dear Shannon, It's a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space. Regards, David. From: Shannon Walkley Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.33am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster Thats just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour please. Thanks. From: David Thorne Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.46am To: Shannon Walkley Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster Dear Shannon, Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. I don't come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window. I am willing to overlook this faux pas due to you no doubt being preoccupied with thoughts of Missy attempting to make her way home across busy intersections or being trapped in a drain as it slowly fills with water. I spent three days down a well once but that was just for fun. I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions. Regards, David. From: Shannon Walkley Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.59am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster This is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it? I just want it to say lost. From: David Thorne Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.14am To: Shannon Walkley Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster From: Shannon Walkley Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.21am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster yeah can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and the word lost and the telephone number and when and where she was lost and her name. Not like a movie poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early today. If it was your cat I would help you. Thanks. From: David Thorne Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.32am To: Shannon Walkley Subject: Awww Dear Shannon, I don't have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend's cat for a week but after he dropped it off at my apartment and explained the concept of kitty litter, I kept the cat in a closed cardboard box in the shed and forgot about it. If I wanted to feed something and clean faeces, I wouldn't have put my mother in that home after her stroke. A week later, when my friend came to collect his cat, I pretended that I was not home and mailed the box to him. Apparently I failed to put enough stamps on the package and he had to collect it from the post office and pay eighteen dollars. He still goes on about that sometimes, people need to learn to let go. I have attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions. Regards, David. From: Shannon Walkley Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.47am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Awww Thats not my cat. where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange. I gave you a photo of my cat. From: David Thorne Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.58am To: Shannon Walkley Subject: Re: Re: Awww I know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and says "I haven't seen your orange cat but I did find a black and white one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you want it?" you can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian bill. I knew someone who had a basset hound that had its hind legs removed after an accident and it had to walk around with one of those little buggies with wheels. If it had been my dog I would have asked for all its legs to be removed and replaced with wheels and had a remote control installed. I could charge neighbourhood kids for rides and enter it in races. If I did the same with a horse I could drive it to work. I would call it Steven. Regards, David. From: Shannon Walkley Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.07pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Awww Please just use the photo I gave you. From: David Thorne Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.22pm To: Shannon Walkley Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww From: Shannon Walkley Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.34pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww I didnt say there was a reward. I dont have $2000 dollars. What did you even put that there for? Apart from that it is perfect can you please remove the reward bit. Thanks Shan. From: David Thorne Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.42pm To: Shannon Walkley Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww From: Shannon Walkley Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.51pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it. From: David Thorne Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.56pm To: Shannon Walkley Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww From: Shannon Walkley Date: Monday 21 June 2010 1.03pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww Fine. That will have to do.

inquiring minds want to know...

My friend Brian and I were discussing strippers at lunch. Why? Don’t ask, but we wanted to know if strippers are paid like waiters/waitresses or if they are paid like hairdressers….

Waiters/waitresses: do they work for near to nothing like 3 dollars and hour and all tips are theirs?

Or

Hairdressers: are they their own boss and just “rent a station” or “piece of stage” and their tips are their income?

It is a very interesting concept and if there are any strippers reading this I would like your input …how do you get taxed?

Can of beans and Children's underwear

Last Christmas was the first Christmas for me to do the whole “family” thing with Jason and his family. Now as a child my mom just wrapped my gifts regularly and on Christmas Eve we would open them and it would be awesome, apparently Jason’s family wrapped their gifts a little different. They wrap the gift then put it in a box, wrap that and so forth. Or they will put things in it to make it heavier then normal to “throw them off the scent”. I’ve always heard of people doing this, but to witness it was a sight. Jason opened his gift which was in a shoe box filled with two cans of green beans and a Tom Tom box; he had to make sure the GPS was real before getting excited, because there was a good chance this too was a decoy… don’t worry ---it really was a Tom Tom GPS. Jason’s mom goes to open a gift from the grandkids, which I don’t remember what it was, but this box was compiled with the present, a can of vegetables of some kind and like 3 pairs of children’s underwear. We all bust out laughing, because what kind of weight could a pair of underwear put on this present. What happens next is probably the funniest thing about the story ….. I know how could it get any better right? Michelle, Jason’s sister clicks that it is her daughters underwear and says “so that is where all the clean underwear went?”

The little Rascals

Between my God kids and Jason’s nieces and nephew’s you could say we have a lot of kids, here are some silly little stories about each one and you’ll see why our holidays and get-togethers or never dull:

Falan (14) Poor Falan is a curse on Jason’s truck, on two separate occasions when she was in the truck something bad happened. Incident 1, the day after Jason got his truck Falan, Jason and I go to Galveston. On this day Jason got rear ended (no scratch on truck) and hit a dog (no scratch on truck or dog, it ran away fine) incident 2, Falan was with us before heading to the beach one afternoon and Jason wanted to wash off the truck before heading out there. We pull into the car wash and the back window starts leaking all over Falan, come to find out the seal around the back light wasn’t sealing right and it was leaking into the truck. Ever since these two incidents Falan is frowned upon when riding in Jason’s truck---I mean really what are the odds?

Baylee (12) Baylee is IN LOVE with the Twilight series of books and is 100% team Edward, she has a paper doll that she made and carries around with her of “her and Edward” at thanksgiving they made place-settings for everyone and hers said Edward instead of Baylee. Also I thanksgiving she told her Grandma that she didn’t like the “Edward” from the movie Robert Pattinson, but the “Edward” she made up in her mind.

Caden (10) last month Caden and his mom, dad, and baby brother were in town and when we all went to eat we saw Caden “flirting” with Falan (don’t worry they are not related what-so-ever and ….well Falan is 14! Falan was wearing some purple stone-washed skinny jeans and Caden says, “I like your pants, how did you get them that color?” Falan then said, “The store!”

Jacob (10) Jacob is a bit on the long-winded side, so me and Jason have “trained” him after telling a story to end it with “THE END” so that people know he is done with it for example a typical “Jacob” story would be as follows “so I had a dream where I was walking down a hallway and there was a girl and she was skipping so I tripped her and she fell in a whole, then she cried, but I laughed so I ran and then I went to the store and it was closed so I broke in and got in trouble so I cried….. THE END!

Julia (8) Julia, has had the same bear (stuffed animal) since she was a baby, but it was also her sister Baylee’s and her Brother Jacob’s so this bear has seen some destruction. It has no stuffing in the body, just the head and one foot. The bear has been puked, peed, and probably pooped on, but she keeps washing it and using it. No other bear will ever do.

Kyleigh (7) Kyleigh stayed the night one night and I told her to brush her teeth, at this time I didn’t have “kid toothpaste” so I made her use my regular minty Crest toothpaste and this was her exact words after brushing. “Whoa this is really minty, I’m very impressed!”

Hannah (7) is the artist of the group, I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up and she said “An Artist, but I don’t want to be rich and I don’t want to live near any earthquakes. Are there earthquakes in California?”

Alex (6) Alex is in football, flag football to be exact, when he first asked him how he liked football he said “they have really good snacks and drinks after” needless to say, Mr Alex doesn’t play that much, but when he does watch out he is all over the place.

Carson (3) we are all sitting in the living room and Carson comes in with no pants, just underwear on. His mom tells him to do the “naked dance” and he starts to move like he is hula hooping with no hula hoop. It was just about the cutest thing I’d ever seen ….where is the camera when you need it?

Some of the ages might be a little off, but you get the gist…. It really provides interesting family outings …. This is just the beginning of kiddoe stories…. I have plenty more where that came from so I shall end this with a ….

To be continued and not a The end (like Jacob would say)