Randomness of the Wood....

I thought I would include in my blog some inquiries I've noticed over the years. I went to my good friend Lance Woodard *shot-out* to help with these inquiries...this is what we came up with:


1. How come a turd can come out so big and girthy and you feel fine, yet it always hurts when a dick is in there?

Lance: The answer here is simple biophysics - the kaka is a softer, flexible waste material so that as the massive dung specimen is pushed out by the muscles (pooper pushers) of the grocery hole, the hot fecal log is formed into its evacuation configuration. However, a massive wiener is less flexible, it is made of hard bone and cartilage and a purple helmet, therefore when the muscles of the grocery hole begin to try to push outward as they are accustomed to doing, meanwhile the pork sword continues to force itself inward, working against the pooper pushers causing homosexual ecstasy or in your case less desirable discomfort, however impressive the feat may be. Also, its a widely known practice throughout the porn world (or so I have heard) that douching the mud cave prior to shit tank coitus prevents the purple helmet from becoming a make-shift gardening spade while plowing in and out of the plentiful bowels of the dookie filled recipient. There are a million miles to get from this topic. It is a winner.



2. Have you ever noticed when you sneeze your nipples get hard?

Lance: Yes, but I don’t know how much farther this topic can be carried. My own personal experience is that anytime I walk into a room, every woman’s nipples get hard.


3. When you fart in the shower it is the most intoxicating/awful smell yet it is soothing all at the same time? Why do they smell different

Lance: Oddly enough, I did a Freshman English college paper on this EXACT subject and I am NOT KIDDING!!! Again, the answer lies in basic biophysics. The heat from the steam of the hot shower water intensifies the methane density, therefore causing the fart to actually thicken thus the smell is magnified and evaporates less quickly because of the more stagnant atmosphere caused by the steam. The additional element of being enclosed within the constraints of the shower provides additional barriers that the dispensed methane cannot quickly overcome. In truth, the smell is not different, rather, intensified to the degree of the heat application, additionally the enclosed atmosphere preventing accelerated dissipation. It is also fun to turn the crack towards the running shower water, then as the water flows down the crack, manually spread the cheeks to ensure maximum anal coverage by the water, that is when you fart. The sound is fantastic. It is generally amplified due to the enclosed setting, and the more powerful expulsions can literally spray water. So many fantastic directions to take this topic. Another winner!



4. I have long fingers and a long tongue did I miss my calling to be a lesbian?

Lance: First of all, yes. Even if you still sporadically yearn for wang, the fact that you are willing to go spelunking in tuna canyon defines you a bi-sexual in the LewMcGew Dictionary, much like any dude who enjoys poontang but is willing to take a load on the chin now and again, is not completely hetero either. There is no such thing as experimentation when it comes to a dude filling another dudes throat with a pint of nut yogurt.


That is all I have right now, but let me know if you giggle in your who ha’s